> A Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the States of America:
> In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and 
> thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
> independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
> II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and
> territories excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy. Your new prime
> minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need
> for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
> questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
> noticed.
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following 
> rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up 
> "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
> amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
> 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and
> 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
> half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
> Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
> levels. (look up vocabulary).
> 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such 
> as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
> communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft
> know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
> account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will
> relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
> 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, 
> or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows 
> that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be 
> handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without 
> suing  someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough  
> to handle a gun.
> 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
> dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish  
> to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
> own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
> 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
> driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
> metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
> Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British 
> sense of humour.
> 9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
> calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
> 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
> are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips 
> are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, 
> and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
> 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually 
> beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred
> to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be 
> referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen 
> Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
> 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
> guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play 
> English  characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 
> Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears 
> removed with a cheese grater.
> 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
> proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
> time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
> football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
> wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host 
> an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
> America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
> borders, your error is understandable.
> 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
> 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all 
> monies due (backdated to 1776).
> 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs,
> with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
> 18. Note that today, the sixth of April 2007, can be abbreviated as  
> 6/4/2007. Quaint confusion of the date in the month with the numeric for 
> the  month can no longer be tolerated.
> 19.  With the abolition of baseball, numerous grounds will become available
> for cricket playing and training. I am arranging for my loyal Australian subject, 
> the Australian,  John Howard, to supervise the restoration of the game in New 
> England and all the other American colonies -- recently negligently referred to 
> as States. In view of the significance of his role,  I have awarded John Howard 
> a knighthood. Note that my delegate is henceforth to be referred to as "Sir" -- 
> and calling him "Mate" rates as a capital offense. 
> Harvey admit's to the Kutzpah of writing and adding clauses 18 and 19 to 
> John Cleese's original proclamation.