> > > A Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the States of America: > > In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and > thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your > independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth > II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and > territories excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy. Your new prime > minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need > for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A > questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you > noticed. > > To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following > rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up > "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. > > 1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be > amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. > > 2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and > 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping > half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. > Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable > levels. (look up vocabulary). > > 3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such > as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of > communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft > know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take > account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will > relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. > > 4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. > > 5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, > or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows > that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be > handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without > suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough > to handle a gun. > > 6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more > dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish > to carry a vegetable peeler in public. > > 7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your > own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. > > 8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start > driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go > metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. > Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British > sense of humour. > > 9. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been > calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. > > 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries > are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips > are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, > and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. > > 11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually > beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred > to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be > referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen > Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. > > 12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good > guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play > English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in > Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears > removed with a cheese grater. > > 13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of > proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in > time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American > football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or > wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). > > 14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host > an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of > America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your > borders, your error is understandable. > > 15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. > > 16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all > monies due (backdated to 1776). > > 17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, > with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season. > > 18. Note that today, the sixth of April 2007, can be abbreviated as > 6/4/2007. Quaint confusion of the date in the month with the numeric for > the month can no longer be tolerated. > > 19. With the abolition of baseball, numerous grounds will become available > for cricket playing and training. I am arranging for my loyal Australian subject, > the Australian, John Howard, to supervise the restoration of the game in New > England and all the other American colonies -- recently negligently referred to > as States. In view of the significance of his role, I have awarded John Howard > a knighthood. Note that my delegate is henceforth to be referred to as "Sir" -- > and calling him "Mate" rates as a capital offense. > > > > > > > Harvey admit's to the Kutzpah of writing and adding clauses 18 and 19 to > John Cleese's original proclamation.