Mathematical One-liners

• Why did Marx and Engels drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
  • The result of the ban - Marx was buried in a Communist plot.
• A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
  • The porter replied, "Trying to catch a train?"
• “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
• What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
• How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
• When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
• A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
• Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
• How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
• A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
• An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
• A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
• A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
• What’s the difference between an etymologist, and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
• A biochemist walks into a student bar and says to the barman: “I’d like a pint of adenosine triphosphate, please.” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be ATP.”
• Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other: “Hey! I think I lost an electron!” The other says: “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!”
• Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed? Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.
• A woman comes home to find her string theorist husband in bed with another woman. “But honey,” he says, “I can explain everything!”
• Why didn’t the quantum particle cross the road? He was already on both sides.
• Why is it so difficult to explain bad puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things so literally.
• How many people of a certain demographic does it take to perform a specified task? It takes a finite number: one person to perform the task and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group to which they belong.
• How many Microsoft designers does it take to change a lightbulb? None – they just define darkness as “industry standard”.\

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