Mathematical One-liners
- Why did Marx and Engels drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
- The result of the ban - Marx was buried in a Communist plot.
- A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”
- The porter replied, "Trying to catch a train?"
- “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
- What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
- How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
- When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
- A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
- Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
- How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
- A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
- An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
- A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
- A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
- What’s the difference between an etymologist, and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.
- A biochemist walks into a student bar and says to the barman: “I’d like a pint of adenosine triphosphate, please.” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be ATP.”
- Two atoms are walking down the street. One atom says to the other: “Hey! I think I lost an electron!” The other says: “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!”
- Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed? Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.
- A woman comes home to find her string theorist husband in bed with another woman. “But honey,” he says, “I can explain everything!”
- Why didn’t the quantum particle cross the road? He was already on both sides.
- Why is it so difficult to explain bad puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things so literally.
- How many people of a certain demographic does it take to perform a specified task? It takes a finite number: one person to perform the task and an additional number to act in a manner stereotypical of the group to which they belong.
- How many Microsoft designers does it take to change a lightbulb? None – they just define darkness as “industry standard”.\
Author unknown